Demented Tech Support

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Demented Tech Support

Post by Pizzaking27 on Mon Aug 20, 2012 2:26 pm

Assimilating the best of both worlds! This is just for laughs! I do not intend to take anything seriously, so don't worry about that! I was on Nathan Lineback's website, and I thought his FAQ gave me an idea, so these are my own answers to the problems he wrote:

Problem: I can't VAX!
Solution: Make sure your fax is hooked up to your computer.

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Problem: My computer won't do anything
Solution: A computer that won't do anything... I have the same problem for an unexplained apparent reason!

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Problem: My computer won't do what I want
Solution: Computers do not automatically know what you want. I have the same problem, but who cares? My computer doesn't. To get it to do what you want it to do, you must pray to it. Computers are also slow, and quit responding sometimes. To speed your computer up, you should sacrifice small animals, scientists, or even Bill Gates to it. Your request may take time, so go for a walk and talk to your friends until your request is complete.

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Problem: You ain't helping me with what I want.
Solution: I do not automatically know what you want. I have the same problem, though, but who cares? I don't. So there! To get me to help you with what you want, you must pray to me. Help requests take time, and i will eventually give up trying to fix your problem. To speed help requests up you should sacrifice sexy chicks to me... pizza and Super Mario 64 would be cool also. Your request may take time, so go play with dynamite until your request is complete.

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Problem: My computer says I did something "illegal" and "invalid", am I an trouble?
Solution: Oh yes! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! The Microsoft Police have been informed and have dispatched McZee units to your computer! If they find you, then your sentence will be worse than death! The only option to survive is to uninstall Windows, run away, and never come back! If you ever come back, then you're gonna get the chair!

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Problem: I don't understand computer
Solution: I don't understand human

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Problem: My Microsoft keeps crashing every few minutes
Solution: A crashing computer... I have the same problem, but I might want to lay low for a little while, just in case I do something illegal and invalid!

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Problem: When are we going to get Macintosh Windows 98?
Solution: When we at least expect Apple and Microsoft to bury the hatchet.

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Problem: Will you show me how to... on my computer?
Solution: Ask someone else.

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Problem: Will you show me how to start "LEGO Island 2" on my computer?
Solution: Nope.avi.

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Problem: I can't Print!
Solution: I think your computer ate the paper!

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Problem: I need my AOL!
Solution: You'd better not be 12 years old, or you're in for the high jump.

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Problem: Your ass-istant came by and uninstalled my ISP!
Solution: Since when do I have an ass-istant?

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Problem: Now my computer is all different!
Solution: Are you sure?

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Problem: Program group somehow got deleted Solution: Windows needs to be reprogrammed.
Solution: Reserved for future mistakes from our developers!

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Problem: Cant read files from disk.
Solution: Disks that have been wrestled by a lion tend to be unreadable.

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Problem: It won't work!
Solution: Smash your forehead on your keyboard and try again.

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Problem: My stupid computer is so goddamn annoying!
Solution: Funny, your computer said the same thing about you, and will shutdown and uninstall Windows in 5 minutes, and will be replaced by AmigaOS, because you suck!

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Problem: I deleted a file, and its not in the recycle thing, I want it back.
Solution: That's because you deleted a file from the program instead of Windows.

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Problem: My computer is doing weird stuff.
Solution: Unless it appears as an enemy in a Mario game, don't bother me with it.

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Problem: I can't remember my password
Solution: Too bad!

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Problem: I can't remember who I am.
Solution: I do, but I'm not going to tell you my real name, because it's based on a joke in World War 1!

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Problem: The computer displays "Non-system disk or disk error" message.
Solution: You killed it!!! Nooo!!! You're in big trouble now, and will be arrested shortly for that illegal operation!

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Problem: The computer displays "missing operating system"
Solution: Same solution as above.

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Problem: I cant upload to the BBS
Solution: Maybe you were banned from the BBS, because you killed the disk and the operating system.

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Problem: When I print, the print smears
Solution: What does smear mean?

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Problem: When I print, the print is light
Solution: Plug your printer into your computer in a cave.

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Problem: When I print, there are many horizontal white stripes
Solution: I didn't know there were ZEBRA printers!

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Problem: My computer will not recognize my CD Rom drive
Solution: Why don't you just eject it?

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Problem: I am out of disk space
Solution: Low disk space...I have the same problem. The only way to fix this is to download a virus that disables all "No" buttons so that it enters your WINDOWS folder, and it gets an error message to pop up saying that a virus has been detected, and to tell you that you must delete the folder, then click "Yes".

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Problem: When logging in, the computer says "there is no domain server"
Solution: Domains don't exist anymore. They are as dead as dinosaurs, nowadays!

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Problem: The VT320 Terminal emulator will not connect to VAXB
Solution: Connection to the Internet is not supported under VT320 Terminal emulators.

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Problem: My Epson 4SLC/33 will not recognize any mouse plugged in to the PS/2 mouse port.
Solution: Your computer is running DOS, not Windows! You should type in "win" to use the mouse.

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Problem: My Epson 4SLC/33 says i have only 2 megs of ram, and will not start windows.
Solution: It's that Hercules Dynamite that ate up all your RAM. It couldn't eat up anymore, so it gave you 2 free megs! Not only won't it share, but Hercules Dynamite is also EVIL! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Problem: I need a car power adapter
Solution: Sure, no problem, and enjoy playing LEGO Island while you drive.

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Problem: I need a new battery for my laptop
Solution: Not bloody likely. They are the most EXPENSIVE things in the world! Worth more than you, in fact.

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Problem: The pointy-haired boss installed some software on the server.. unfortunately that software was LEGO Island 2.
Solution: Quit the job, and work as an actor for Ronald McDonald. I'm lovin' it!

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Problem: My keyboard is missing all its keys!
Solution: Angry German Kid, that's my keyboard you broke! You're grounded forever!

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Problem: My computer won't work - you were working on it earlier and now my Microsoft won't let me log in.
Solution: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ACCOUNT?!?! I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS, YOU RETARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Problem: My computer has frozen up and is sitting at a black screen and It won't let me do anything.
Solution: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 THUNDER AND LIGHTENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok, just calm down! Thunder and Lightening aren't so frightening! Thunder and Lightening aren't so frightening! Thunder and Lightening aren't so frightening!

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Problem: My baby children installed Play with the Teletubbies on my computer!
Solution: Your computer is gone forever. It may look perfectly fine and run without any glitches and flaws, but it has been absorbed by Play with the Teletubbies and replaced by pure [Please Talk Properly].

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Problem: I am turning blue and getting dizzy.
Solution: I'll inform 911 that you are actually having a heart attack! QUICK!!! TO THE AMBULANCE!!!!!!

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Problem: There is this _thing_ running around on my screen and I can't make it go away and it sometimes stops and sits there and sometimes it moves around and then it goes and it does this thing...
Solution: You're saying that something's annoying you, though you said it in a profoundly stupid way. Please uninstall Croc: Legend of the Gobbos, to stop this!

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Problem: I was playing Green Eggs and Ham under ScummVM, and now it says there was an unknown opcode. I think I need this game to be fully supported. Shall I ask the team?
Solution: Uhhhhh... Well, uh... I'm sorry, but I can't help you with that. You may want to refer to a fortune teller on that subject. She might help you with what will happen to ScummVM in the future. (or to those who live near the ScummVM workshop: Uhhhhh... Well, uh... I'm sorry, but I can't help you with that. You may want to refer to clone2727 on that subject. He might help you with what will happen to ScummVM in the future.)

Now here are the problems alone. You can make your own solutions if you like:

Problem: I can't VAX!
Solution:

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Problem: My computer won't do anything
Solution:

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Problem: My computer won't do what I want
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: You ain't helping me with what I want.
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: My computer says I did something "illegal" and "invalid", am I an trouble?
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: I don't understand computer
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: My Microsoft keeps crashing every few minutes
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: When are we going to get Macintosh Windows 98?
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: Will you show me how to... on my computer?
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: Will you show me how to start "LEGO Island 2" on my computer?
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: I can't Print!
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: I need my AOL!
Solution:

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Problem: Your ass-istant came by and uninstalled my ISP!
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: Now my computer is all different!
Solution:

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Problem: Program group somehow got deleted Solution: Windows needs to be reprogrammed.
Solution:

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Problem: Cant read files from disk.
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: It won't work!
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: My stupid computer is so goddamn annoying!
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: I deleted a file, and its not in the recycle thing, I want it back.
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: My computer is doing weird stuff.
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: I can't remember my password
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: I can't remember who I am.
Solution:

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Problem: The computer displays "Non-system disk or disk error" message.
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: The computer displays "missing operating system"
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: I cant upload to the BBS
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: When I print, the print smears
Solution:

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Problem: When I print, the print is light
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: When I print, there are many horizontal white stripes
Solution:

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Problem: My computer will not recognize my CD Rom drive
Solution:

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Problem: I am out of disk space
Solution:

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Problem: When logging in, the computer says "there is no domain server"
Solution:

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Problem: The VT320 Terminal emulator will not connect to VAXB
Solution:

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Problem: My Epson 4SLC/33 will not recognize any mouse plugged in to the PS/2 mouse port.
Solution:

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Problem: My Epson 4SLC/33 says i have only 2 megs of ram, and will not start windows.
Solution:

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Problem: I need a car power adapter
Solution:

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Problem: I need a new battery for my laptop
Solution:

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Problem: The pointy-haired boss installed some software on the server.. unfortunately that software was LEGO Island 2.
Solution:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: My keyboard is missing all its keys!
Solution:

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Problem: My computer won't work - you were working on it earlier and now my Microsoft won't let me log in.
Solution:

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Problem: My computer has frozen up and is sitting at a black screen and It won't let me do anything.
Solution:

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Problem: My baby children installed Play with the Teletubbies on my computer!
Solution:

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Problem: I am turning blue and getting dizzy.
Solution:

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Problem: There is this _thing_ running around on my screen and I can't make it go away and it sometimes stops and sits there and sometimes it moves around and then it goes and it does this thing...
Solution:

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Problem: I was playing Green Eggs and Ham under ScummVM, and now it says there was an unknown opcode. I think I need this game to be fully supported. Shall I ask the team?
Solution:

Feel free to have a good laugh! Rover

Pizzaking27
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Re: Demented Tech Support

Post by Retrodude on Sun Jan 20, 2013 8:42 pm

I found an entire website devoted to Tech Support calls from hades. Thought this might be good for a laugh among us "geeks". (Some of the terminology is a bit dated, but anyone who's used a PC from the 90s should probably understand the gist of this.)
Link

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Re: Demented Tech Support

Post by RyanA1992 on Fri Feb 01, 2013 7:04 pm

Problem: I can't VAX!
Solution: Make sure you're not using your hair to connect your fax to your computer.

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Problem: My computer won't do anything
Solution: Well, my television won't do anything either! What can we do about it?

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Problem: My computer won't do what I want
Solution: I have one musing to tell you: computers never know what you want.

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Problem: You ain't helping me with what I want.
Solution: I'm sorry, I can't hear what you just said. Speak LOUDER, please!

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Problem: My computer says I did something "illegal" and "invalid", am I in trouble?
Solution: Yes, Bill Gates is putting you under arrest for not installing Internet Explorer 4. Uninstalling IE4 is reversible…….but time is NOT. Turn back! Turn back! Turn back!

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Problem: I don't understand computer
Solution: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwgRcCLRAio

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Problem: My Microsoft keeps crashing every few minutes
Solution: So you're Bill Gates, right? And your company is crashing? Oh God! I think something's wrong in Redmond! I need to rush down to your office RIGHT THIS SECOND!

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Problem: When are we going to get Macintosh Windows 98?
Solution: Probably when Microsoft stops supporting Internet Explorer 4 for Mac.

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Problem: Will you show me how to... on my computer?
Solution: Go ask your dog.

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Problem: Will you show me how to start "LEGO Island 2" on my computer?
Solution: Excusez-moi, monsieur, but I think you have an IBM Aptiva with an AMD processor… I've heard those can't run LEGO Island 2 at all.

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Problem: I can't Print!
Solution: Only MOO™ can print hallway diagrams.

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Problem: I need my AOL!
Solution: Too bad - you're getting Internet Explor---er, EXPLODer 4 instead!

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Problem: Your ass-istant came by and uninstalled my ISP!
Solution: Erm, what's an ASS-istant? Cause I don't think there's such a word like that in any dictionary, or…something..like…that.

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Problem: Now my computer is all different!
Solution: Well, I'll be damned! Probably some blue anthropomorphic Manx cat came over and installed Internet Explorer 4 on your computer!

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Problem: Program group somehow got deleted
Solution: So you're using Windows 8, huh? I'm sorry, but you'll have to get used to the fact that the Start Menu as you know it doesn't exist anymore.

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Problem: Cant read files from disk.
Solution: Heads-up - your hard disk is not a book, and your computer is not a librarian.

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Problem: It won't work!
Solution: So be it! You can't even go to the trouble of fixing it!

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Problem: My stupid computer is so goddamn annoying!
Solution: And YOU are so god-damned annoying, too! (hangs up)

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Problem: I deleted a file, and its not in the recycle thing, I want it back.
Solution: Do you realize that you're not using Windows 95?

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Problem: My computer is doing weird stuff.
Solution: Three words: Ctrl, Alt, Delete.

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Problem: I can't remember my password
Solution: Don't worry! I'll try to find it in our global password database for you! (hangs up and starts planning for a trip to China)

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Problem: I can't remember who I am.
Solution: You need to be reborn, friend.

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Problem: The computer displays "Non-system disk or disk error" message.
Solution: Oh boy…………you're SCREWED.

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Problem: The computer displays "missing operating system"
Solution: same as above

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Problem: I cant upload to the BBS
Solution: If you want to try to upload any shareware to your bulletin board system again, then don't expect any kind of Spanish Inquisition!

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Problem: When I print, the print smears
Solution: Well, don't place your freaking finger on the ink cartridge next time!

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Problem: When I print, the print is light
Solution: Turn off all the lights in your room and close all your blinds.

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Problem: When I print, there are many horizontal white stripes
Solution: White Stripes? Hmm, strange, I heard they broke up last year or so.

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Problem: My computer will not recognize my CD Rom drive
Solution: Ask Bill Gates for a list of computer retailers that sell WORM optical drives.

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Problem: I am out of disk space
Solution: Ask Bill Gates for directions on how to uninstall Internet Explorer 4 from your computer.

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Problem: When logging in, the computer says "there is no domain server"
Solution: The only known domain left in this universe is the Distortion Dimension. And, as far as I know, the only possible way you can get there is via personal media tower.

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Problem: The VT320 Terminal emulator will not connect to VAXB
Solution: Terminal emulators don't connect to the World Wide Web, let alone even run Terminal Velocity. Simple as that.

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Problem: My Epson 4SLC/33 will not recognize any mouse plugged in to the PS/2 mouse port.
Solution: Sorry, but as far as I know, mice of the species Mus musculus will not be functional when connected to your computer.

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Problem: My Epson 4SLC/33 says i have only 2 megs of ram, and will not start windows.
Solution: Internet Explorer 4 has an appetite for all your memory. It couldn't eat anymore, so it gave you 2 free megs! Not only won't it share, but Internet Explorer is also EVIL! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Problem: I need a car power adapter
Solution: Sure. No problem. And why don't I give you a tasty free can of haggis while you're at it? OCH AYE!

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Problem: I need a new battery for my laptop
Solution: Uh, sorry sir, we don't sell those anymore.

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Problem: The pointy-haired boss installed some software on the server.. unfortunately that software was LEGO Island 2.
Solution: Don't worry! Modify the shortcut that it installed in the Start Menu so that it launches Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing instead!

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Problem: My keyboard is missing all its keys!
Solution: Well, why can't you use your upright piano instead?

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Problem: My computer won't work - you were working on it earlier and now my Microsoft won't let me log in.
Solution: Too bad. Once tech support dudes like me work on your computer, they shall no longer be your property. That's one of Microsoft's strict regulations.

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Problem: My computer has frozen up and is sitting at a black screen and It won't let me do anything.
Solution: I guess your computer needs a family psychiatrist.

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Problem: My baby children installed Play with the Teletubbies on my computer!
Solution: Don't worry! Modify the shortcut that it installed in the Start Menu so that it launches Winter Race 3D instead!

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Problem: I am turning blue and getting dizzy.
Solution: You probably had an overdose of cotton candy. In fact, I think you're just about to barf it back up.

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Problem: There is this _thing_ running around on my screen and I can't make it go away and it sometimes stops and sits there and sometimes it moves around and then it goes and it does this thing...
Solution: I think I know what "thing" you're speaking about. She's the one who steals helpless cursors and feeds them to a gravy-loving dog who ends up barfing them up afterwards anyways!

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Problem: I was playing Green Eggs and Ham under ScummVM, and now it says there was an unknown opcode. I think I need this game to be fully supported. Shall I ask the team?
Solution: Excuse me, sir, but, um…can you tell me more about what the heck ScummVM is anyways? I've heard that it could run those Junior Adventures or something..and, uh….probably Living Books too, I guess.

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Re: Demented Tech Support

Post by Pizzaking27 on Sat Feb 02, 2013 6:46 am

That was classic! Thank you so much!

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Re: Demented Tech Support

Post by ThatWG on Sun Jun 22, 2014 6:39 am

Pizzaking27 wrote:That was classic! Thank you so much!

And this was your last post?  Putt: Confused 

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Re: Demented Tech Support

Post by GeorgeQGreg on Sun Jun 22, 2014 9:56 am

I still wonder what happened to him.

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Sam: C.

Door: THAT'S ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!

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Re: Demented Tech Support

Post by ThatWG on Sun Jun 22, 2014 9:57 am

GeorgeQGreg wrote:I still wonder what happened to him.

Someone posted a death threat on his forum this year

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Re: Demented Tech Support

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